Chase the Pain: A Dark Mafia Billionaire Romance (Amatucci Family Book 1) Page 21

  I winced as a XXX scene flashed through my mind at those words. I shook my head. What the fuck is going on with me? Sex was nowhere on my radar, and I like it that way. Why sex and Ryker kept invading my brain was beyond my current comprehension.

  Movement up ahead pulled my attention. Oh thank fuck, he was standing in the doorway. I gave him a smile, although I wasn’t quite sure what it looked like. I felt like my face was all squished up like I was trying not to fart.

  I must have passed muster, because he was smiling at me. His hands were in his trouser pockets and he was rocked back on his heels. His pale blue shirt and dark gray pants hugged his big body like second skin.

  The urge to taste him made my fingers itch. Apparently, I needed a good ride with my vibrator if I was getting this horny for the man.

  The closer I got, the easier it was to see a glint I couldn’t quite identify in his eyes. He seemed in remarkedly good spirits for someone who’d been kicked out of my house last night. “Willow. I wasn’t expecting to see you. Let alone up and around by yourself. How are you feeling today?”

  “I’m feeling really good actually. I can walk.” I wiggled my eyebrows. “All by myself, too.”

  He chuckled. “Such a big girl.”

  I laughed. “Something like that. I still feel like I’m toddling all over kingdom come, but at least it’s under my own steam.” I thrust the box at him. “Here. These are for you.”

  He grabbed the box, one eyebrow raised. “And these are…”

  “Open the box and find out.” I crossed my arms to keep from snatching the box back. This was a horrible idea. He was either going to read too much into it or he was going to laugh in my face. I wasn’t sure which option scared me more.

  He lifted the lid that carried my bakery’s logo. Peeked inside. His smile was huge when he looked back up at me. “You came to see me. And you brought me Thor cupcakes.” His grass-green eyes twinkled.

  I felt heat rush to my cheeks. “Yeah. To say thank you. Officially.” I bumped a single shoulder up into the air.

  His smile stretched a little wider. “You’re welcome. Remind me to save you again if it means I’ll get free pastries.”

  Some part of me unclenched at his words. He was going to go easy breezy. Thank the goddess. I could handle easy breezy.

  “I made cinnamon cupcakes with vanilla buttercream frosting. I hope you’re not allergic to either of those.” Shit. I should have asked before I brought them over.

  He shook his head as he tipped his head to the side. “No. But how did you know that cinnamon was my favorite?”

  I exhaled a relieved breath, shook my head. “Happy coincidence? When I thought of you, cinnamon came to mind.”

  “That’s good. I like that; I’ve been thinking of you, too. You admit that you’ve been thinking about me.” he asked, his voice low and velvety.

  I swallowed hard as my belly went all fluttery. I shook my head. “Yup.” My eyes went huge as his great howl of laughter slid over me. What the fuck was wrong with me? Now I couldn’t even get my brain to say the words I wanted it to. “I’ve got to go now. Bye. Enjoy the cupcakes.” I spun on my heel—well, it was closer to a three-point turn—and headed back down the Hallway O’ Doom.

  Squeak. Fuck. Squeak. Fuck

  Squeak. Fuck. Squeak. Fuck.

  “Willow,” he called, laughter still tingeing his voice.

  I kept moving. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. At this point, I was even out of fucks to give. I shoved my hand in the air, gave him a wave without turning around. “Bye now. I can’t hear you.”

  I prayed and begged and pleaded that the goddess would grant me more speed. Or remove Ryker’s. When I heard his staccato click, click, click on the floor, I knew my goddess had abandoned me.

  I stabbed the elevator button, prayed again that it would open before he got there. The arrow over the door lit green. I held my breath. Almost. Almost. Almost.

  His hand landed on my shoulder right as the doors slid open silently. They mocked me with their gaping maw of missed escape.

  I sighed. You can do this, my inner badass screamed in my mind. He’s just a friend. Be a friend. “What do you want, Ryker?”

  He pushed me into the elevator, stabbed the CLOSE button. His hands were free of the baker’s box as he hit the button for the lobby. “Hey, what’s wrong?” He put his fingers under my chin, lifted it. His green gaze searched mine. His brows were scrunched together over his nose, his mouth tipped down at the corner. “I was just kidding with you.”

  I knew that. I’d been banking on it. I didn’t really know what my problem was right now. I felt like a moody tornado had inhabited my body and she was flinging me all around. “I know. Sorry. I think I’m in the wrong headspace today.” Without thinking, I raised a hand and patted his chest.

  My lungs seized as I felt his hard pecs against my palm. The man radiated heat like a volcano about to erupt. Before my brain sent the signal, I flexed my fingers into his body. Everything about him screamed health and vitality. I wanted to feel that, inhale it. Wrap it around me. Drown in it.

  He hissed out a breath.

  The elevator car that had just moments ago felt roomy and spacious, now felt like a broom closet.

  With his free hand, he captured my fingers against his body. “Holy shit.”

  I agreed, one hundred percent. Hell, one thousand percent. I couldn’t look away from his mouth. His lips were kissably plump. Enough so that he probably made scores of women jealous.

  “I was going to give you time after that phone call to adjust to having me in your life on a more permanent basis. Then you showed up on my fucking doorstep with cupcakes.” He growled low in his throat. “I’m going to kiss you now,” he whispered.

  Inside, I shook my head. My inner deviant head-butted the sane side of my psyche. I felt my tongue glide over my lips in a soft swipe as I lifted my face the slightest degree.

  His lips settled against mine with the softest pressure. A low moan came from his mouth. He pulled back. Capturing my face between his hands, he moved my head to a different angle. Slid his lips over mine.

  It was nice. Soft. Probably everything a normal woman would like. But the soft glancing touches just made me want to scream and cry. Beat at him with my fists. I held still and waited for him to be done. He’d figure out that I was broken. That sex with me wouldn’t be anything he was interested in.

  I admitted to myself right then that I’d hoped he’d be different. That I’d be different with him. He’d seemed so…open to the rougher side of things. The things I needed. But if this kiss was any indication, he only paid lip service to the kind of pain I needed.

  The car slid to a stop, shattered the heartbreaking moment. He pulled back, his eyes heavy as he looked down at me. For a moment, I saw something in his eyes that made me think I could learn to like the soft. The gentle.

  But this time, my sane side and my inner deviant joined forces. He’s not for you, they said in unison. You need more than that. And he deserves someone who can give it to him. Not you. Never you.

  “Willow?”

  I tried to give him a smile. A light hearted laugh. Not to let him see the burn of humiliated tears that threatened. “You’re one hell of a kisser, Ryker. You should come with a warning label.” I ducked under his arm and hurried away as fast as I could.

  He didn’t call after me this time.

  The tears slipped past my control as I pushed through the front doors and out into the sunshine. I’d never felt more alone in my entire life.

  Chapter 28 – Ryker

  You’re one hell of a kisser, Ryker. You should come with a warning label. Her words banged around my mind like they were the steel ball in a vintage pinball machine.

  Her lips had been everything I thought they would be. Decadent, plush, velvety. What hadn’t been in the top ten descriptors I’d come up with for her mouth: Uninterested. But that’s exactly what I’d felt from her.

  As if she’d been locked away behind a froz
en sheet of glass, I hadn’t been able to reach her. Get her to respond. Get her involved. Nothing like the moaning woman from last night who’d all but writhed in my arms. Or called me last night to check on me.

  The doors slid closed, cutting her off from my view. What the fuck had just happened? I replayed the whole scene again. She’d been right there with me. Edgy as fuck, her breathing uneven, her body sending all the right signals. I hadn’t been imagining them or misreading them.

  I banged my forehead softly against the stainless steel elevator doors. I’d forced myself not to maul her. Not to crowd her back against the wall and take what I wanted. She’d said on multiple occasions she didn’t want to sleep with me. I wasn’t going to coerce her into it by getting her too revved up to say anything but yes.

  My women came to me fully aware and wanting. No blurred lines. No confusion on what was happening.

  I’d sipped from her mouth even though I’d wanted to drown myself in her flavor. Cradled her chin when all I wanted was to wrench it back so I could attack her neck with my teeth. But I’d held back. Invited her to join me.

  I’d gotten nothing. Less than nothing, in return. I’d held her against my body and felt her disappear.

  The doors opened again, jolting me out of my thoughts. I gave the two business men a tight smile as I moved back and leaned against the far corner of the elevator. You should come with a warning label. I gritted my teeth. She’d spoken of her cupcakes with more passion than when she uttered those words.

  I finally made it back to my floor. I stormed out, grabbed up the baker’s box from the reception desk where I’d left it on my way to her. I flung the lid open, dug one of the little cakes out. I hooked the Thor ring over the tip of my pinky finger as I licked up a stray flange of frosting.

  It melted in my mouth. A low groan rumbled through my chest. I was going to decorate her body with this stuff and lick it off her for hours. I toed the door shut so I could fantasize in peace as I settled behind my desk. I was already running late to the virtual meeting with some of my overseas suppliers. They could wait a little longer.

  I slid the baker’s box onto the desktop and peeled the paper cup away from the desert. The scents of cinnamon and sugar drifted into the air. I angled the cupcake to the side, bit into the moist spongy cake.

  Flavors exploded on my tongue. I hadn’t even known that cinnamon cupcakes were a thing, but I was going to start buying them by the fucking truckload. The sweetest hint of vanilla merged with the spice as I took another bite.

  Leaning back in my chair, I cracked my knee against the edge of the drawer. “Fuck!” I rubbed the sore spot. A thought slid through my mind. As it landed, I felt sick to my stomach. The delicious treat soured immediately.

  Pain. My Willow needed pain to keep her grounded in this reality. Softness held no sway in her mind. And I treated her like she was a porcelain doll. Fucking fuckers fuck! No wonder she ran away.

  I set the cupcake aside and grabbed up my cell phone. I unlocked it with a quick flick of my fingers. I pulled up the right screen. But just as I was about to hit the button to connect the call, my thumb hesitated over the little phone icon next to her name.

  Was this something I wanted to explain over the phone? Could I even begin to explain it? I still wasn’t sure why I’d treated her like I had. If I wasn’t sure, how was I supposed to make her understand?

  At that moment, all I knew was that I’d screwed it up. And in so doing, I might have lost her. Something had brought her to me today. Made her seek me out. I repaid that instinct with a kiss that left both of us wanting.

  I wasn’t going to allow it to be the last time that happened. She sealed her fate when she brought me Thor cinnamon cupcakes. I finished the best desert I’d ever eaten and called Anthony to cancel the rest of my meetings. I had some bigger things to plan.

  Chapter 29 – Willow

  It was a good thing I had an industrial sized mixer. I would have beat the cake batter into unusable lumps if I’d had to do it all by hand. Instead, I sat back and glared at the mechanical arm that sliced through the batter like it was a hot knife through butter.

  Shame and embarrassment slid through me again. My stomach soured as I thought of the idiot I’d made of myself. Now, I was going to have to act like we could still be friends. That I hadn’t insulted him with my disappearing act.

  I shuddered as the humiliation surged through me again. The black hole that lived inside me grew and pulsed as my inner asshole rose to vibrant life. No one will love you. How can they? You’re a murderer. You helped a serial killer destroy countless lives. You killed daughters, sisters, mothers, aunts, cousins. You’re worthless.

  He should’ve just killed you. Then all those other women and girls would still be alive. They’re better than you. Even as society’s trash, they were better than you.

  I beat my fists against my temples, tried to block the voice. It was harder when I believed it. Agreed with it. There was no plausible reason that I should still be here when none of those other women were.

  I wasn’t special. I was a freak. A woman who could barely survive her life without pain. Even the Amatuccis, who were the fucking mafia, didn’t understand my need for it. They dealt in pain, torment, anguish, and they saw me as the monster.

  I could feel that yawning abyss widen inside me. Beckon me with its outstretched arms of acceptance. I knew what it felt like to sink in its depths. I could almost taste the agonizing splendor of its touch.

  In its embrace, I could just feel. Allow everything else to slip away until only the pain remained. The pain was all that mattered. The searing heat. The twisted flesh. The screaming nerve endings.

  With a simple flick of a switch, I could sink into it. Drown myself in sensation and let my mind drift away for time unending.

  The darkness I carried inside me added a different voice. Do it. Just flip it. No one would have to know. They don’t understand you anyway. Why do you even listen to them? Do it. Let the pain in. Let me swim in it. I need it. You need it. It can be so good. So very, very good. Do it.

  The darkness seduced me. Cradled me against its chest. Caressed my hair as it spoke of agony and torture.

  I yearned. Ached. Hungered for it.

  As if from a great distance, I saw myself reach for the hand mixer. Its weight wasn’t great, but that didn’t matter. I knew the motor was powerful.

  I lifted it, held it to my chest like a lover. In my mind, I could already feel it grabbing my skin. Feel the beaters as they twisted and wrenched on my fingers.

  The sharp sultry snap of bone. The excruciating heat of mangled flesh. The flip flop of my belly urged me on. Had my finger flirting with the control toggle.

  As if the pain had begun, I could hear that white noise. Like a hive of bees had taken up residence in my ears, the edges of my mind blurred. Softened.

  Stop thinking about it and just do it, you pussy. Kill yourself so no one else has to be bothered by you. You’re nothing but a drain on your friends. Your family has already abandoned you. Ryker doesn’t understand you and never will. My inner asshole wasn’t saying anything I hadn’t thought before. Hadn’t felt before.

  Think of the pain, Willow. It will be the last thing you feel. You’ll get to take that feeling with you into eternity. No one to look down on you. No one to judge you. Just you and the pain, the darkness said.

  Tears fell from my eyes. I was so tired of trying to be the good girl. The girl who didn’t need pain to feel real. No one understood. Not really. They acted like they did, but they didn’t. They just wanted me to be normal. Whatever that meant.

  Dom’s face shone in my mind. I’d hurt him. Damaged our relationship. Made him hate me. I pushed his image away. I deserved his coldness.

  And Ryker mocked me with his gentleness. Tormented me with his soft caresses that showed me for the fraud I was. He’d promised me hell and only showed me heaven.

  My thumb tripped the control toggle.

  Chapter 30 – Ryker

/>   My phone rang just as I was getting ready to pick it up and make a call. I smiled when I saw Willow’s name scroll across the screen. She’d reached out to me again. I intended for it to be at least a daily occurrence.

  I hit the connect button. “Hey, cupcake. I was just getting ready to call you.”

  A low, mechanical whine rose over the line. I could hear her breathing, slow. Measured.

  The hairs rose on my arms as I waited for her to speak. “Willow?” I called. What the fuck was going on? A feeling of dread sank into my neck.

  Nothing but that droning whine filled my ear.

  I pulled the phone from my ear, checked to see if we were still connected. We were. I put the phone back up to my head. “Willow Chase,” I barked, putting steel in my voice.

  Nothing. Nothing but a motor spinning in the background.

  Something was very wrong. I plugged my free ear, prayed I would hear something from her.

  “Why did you kiss me like that?” she asked finally. Her voice was monotone. Dolls had more animation.

  Fuck. A fear like I’d only experienced once before tightened my belly. “Because I wasn’t thinking. I can give you what you need, Willow.”

  Where the fuck is she? I needed to find her. Get to her before she did something unchangeable.

  I put her on speaker phone and turned back to my computer. Pulling up our newest tracking software, I input her phone number and waited.

  She gave a ragged sigh. “No. No one can.” It was a soft expression of acceptance.

  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Change her fucking mind, you asshole. You can’t lose her. Not like this, my inner voice bellowed.

  I cleared my throat. “Yes, I can. I can give you pain, cupcake. Beautiful pain.” Hurry the fuck on! I wanted to scream and yell at the computer. All I could do was stare at the screen and pray I could keep her talking. Keep her with me just a little longer.

  In that moment, I knew I was going to lose her. And lose more than just her being in my bed if I didn’t manage to find her. Somehow I knew it. She was going to do something to herself.